by The Cranky Media Guy!

Thurs., Nov. 23

Clinton Lets A Butterball Go Unmolested For Once

In a pointless annual ritual dating back to 1947, President Clinton this week "pardoned" a 45 pound turkey named Jerry for good behavior. Asked if George W. Bush would do something similar, a spokesman said, "The governor is unfamiliar with the word 'pardon'."

This Just In...

After Jerry was released, a microphone that wasn't turned off revealed President Clinton's real reason for participating in the ceremony. "Pardon?" the president was heard to say. "I thought they said 'hard on'."

A Prediction...

Anyone want to bet me that nine months from now there'll be a rash of newborns named Chad?

Get A Free Magazine With Every Talk Show

First, Oprah Winfrey started a magazine, O, which features her picture on the cover of every issue. Next spring, Rosie O'Donnell will re-launch the 125 year-old women's magazine McCall's as Rosie's McCall's. She said it will be "less spiritual than Oprah's magazine, more pragmatic than Martha Stewart's, and with my annoying Democratic political agenda somewhere in the middle." (No, I didn't make that quote up.)

There is no truth to the rumor that talk show host Jerry Springer will also take over a venerable magazine and rename it Better Homes and Double-Wides.

TV Or Not TV

The low-rated UPN television network is in negotiation with the producers of Chains of Love, a reality show previously rejected by NBC. In the show, a contestant is physically attached to four others who are released one by one. A UPN spokesman said, "It finally dawned on us that shackling people is the only way we can get anyone to watch our crappy network."

Reader Letter Number One

Dear CMG:

As I awoke this morning, I received probably the best news I've ever heard, Bush wasn't the president yet. Gentleman, I'm back, I just got my daily dose of politics. The Election of 2000 comes down to who wants to be the first to lose. Which ever of these political trolls decides to call it quits, is set to be the better president. For whom ever is elected, they face a horrible fate worse than George H. Bush, a one term president with no hopes of ever being popular. Once elected the president will face the issue of election reform.

On one hand you have the popular vote, on the other a black hole of options. Who am I kidding, the only viable way to chose the president is in a old fashion duel. Ten steps turn and shot. Fast, easy, simple, and inexpensive. But wait, what about third party fuckers who run for the Chief Office with illusions of grandeur dancing in their heads, like a three dollar stripper on Peach Street. What, a duel? Crazy, never work, moving on. Popular vote? I campaign in New York, California, Florida, and Ohio and I win. Some sick fuck I would be, huh? Vote for me, it will be really funny, and they do, I win, you don't.

This is exactly why the framers of the constitution said no, to ensure that a farmer who can rally support in a section of the country, which could swing the popular vote, would never serve in office. Remember these framers were mostly slave owners with a decent education. God forbid a non-gentry, backcountry hick be elected. Andrew Jackson did a hell of a job covering his accent, Jimmy Carter didn't, but after all he was a Republican in between Ford and Reagan.

So what now you may ask? Prepare. Prepare for a long drawn out litigation from the loser to push for a re-vote in Florida. It will last till January 22nd. The problem lies in the mass riots that will occur in every major city. Riots everywhere, and on every front porch there will be Dad, with a damn shot gun, a spittoon, and a beer waiting for someone to loot his worthless house because for two days the country will be in limbo with no president.

Clinton might stay the two more days, but he won't. Why should he? Staying is only a dick tease of a third term, which in fact he would have won. For two days there will be nobody to call martial law. Nobody to veto, nobody living in the White House. Of course Clinton won't stay, he'll be too busy campaigning for Hillary in '04. You know what I'll remember most in this election? It was by far watching Katie Couric trying her hardest not to fall asleep.

Today I skipped class because I was exhausted, instead I went to lunch with a friend and discussed the possibility of a full blown political collapse of the American Way of Life. The sense though through out my small Midwest campus was one of apathy and confusion. Nobody knows what the hell to make of the coverage provided by the Big Three, and quite frankly neither do I, they lied to me and the rest of the nation.

W.C.

Dear W.C.:

I'm not entirely sure I understood your letter, but damn it was fun to read.

CMG

Reader Letter Number Two

Dear CMG:

Great Gore fantasy on the site. I could actually see him doing that. But (and here's the part about me being an asshole), the observatory is on Massachusetts Ave. (not Connecticut). And I'd be the guy riding the bike that he'd be firing at. I live a couple of blocks away and pass by on my way home from work everyday. Thanks to you, I'll be looking hard in the bushes today. . . ;-) Hope the job is going well and you're settling in.

Matt

Dear Matt:

D'oh! Yeah, I screwed up and forgot that the Naval Observatory is on Massachusetts, not Connecticut. See what happens when you leave D.C. for a few weeks? Anyway, I emailed my wife back in Virginia who takes care of the site and had her fix my screw-up. God knows we don't want to ruin a perfectly good fantasy about the vice-president firing randomly at passersby by putting him on the wrong street.

As for the new job, yeah, it's going amazingly well. This morning, Thanksgiving, we were the only local "personalities" (ha!) doing a live show. Just for laughs, we staged a fake fight on-air while we were interviewing this ex-cattle rancher guy who testified with Oprah Winfrey in her "beef disparagement" lawsuit a few years ago. Chris, my co-host and I pretended to come to blows over whether or not people "had the right" to be vegetarian, thoroughly confusing the poor guy on the phone. Now that's entertainment! I actually jammed my ring finger against the studio door during the "fight". Call me Mr. Method Acting. If this doesn't get ratings, nothing will.

CMG