by The Cranky Media Guy!

Sat. Sept. 9

Bunch of Pussies!

The school board in Lynchburg, VA (Jerry Falwell's town) is in a big tizzy because a science textbook for high school juniors contains a picture of the female pubic region.  Good heavens!  We can't have a book showing what any girl could see if she looked in the mirror after a shower, now can we?  No sir, so every copy of the book will either have the offending page torn out or covered with a non-removable sticker.  Yup, it's God Will that we protect teenagers from accurate information about their own bodies.

What A Wacky Little Quote!

The following is from a press release by the League of Women Voters on October 3, 1988:

 "The League of Women Voters is withdrawing its sponsorship of the presidential debates ... because the demands of the two campaign organizations would perpetrate a fraud on the American voter. It has become clear to us that the candidates' organizations aim to add debates to their list of campaign-trail charades devoid of substance, spontaneity and answers to tough questions. The League has no intention of becoming an accessory to the hoodwinking of the American public".

He's The Folksiest Multi-millionaire Daddy's Boy Around...By Far

Yow!  The George W. Bush campaign announced that Dubya would change his strategy effectively immediately.  From now on, the emphasis will be on interaction with "real people".  No more stump speeches for Mr. Showbiz, just simulated plain talk in unscripted situations.

This is a good idea?  I mean, this is a guy who can't keep from fucking up when reading a speech he's given a hundred times before.  He couldn't ad-lib an "Ouch" if someone kicked him in the nuts.

The premiere of the New George was a campaign stop at Marconi Communications, in Pennsylvania.  It's a factory of some kind and Dubya talked about, among other things, that idiotic idea to invest Social Security money in the stock market and took questions from the workers for 45 minutes. 

As an example of the kind of deep thinking a man has to exhibit to be a credible contender for the presidency these days, when asked "If you have a really tough decision to make, how do you handle that?" he answered, "Well, I listen for starters, and gather all information."  I don't know about you, but I sure feel as if I know the guy better after that answer. 

Free Advice For Dubya

Because I'm such a swell guy, I'd like to give some advice to George W. Bush.  For the moment, I'm going to put aside the fact that I'd rather see Bush in a Turkish prison than the Oval Office.  (Of course, I'd also derive great amusement by watching a demolition derby where Al Gore was strapped to one of the competitors like a hood ornament.) 

Hey George, want to convince the public that you're a regular guy, instead of the spoiled, never-did-anything- on- his-own rich man's son that we know you really are?  Talk more like you did the other day when you thought the microphone was off and you described that New York Times reporter to Dick Cheney as a "major-league asshole".  Now that was reg'lar guy talk!

From now on, if someone asks you a stupid question, just say, "What are you, a douche bag?"  or "Nice one, Einstein!"  That'll show people you're just one of the boys.  Oh, and fart a lot.  As often as you can.  That's what we lumpen proletariat do.  No, don't thank me.  I'm glad to help.  It is we peasants who should thank you for deigning to come down to our level.

Can They Get The Sci-Fi Channel?

The space shuttle Atlantis was shot into orbit Friday, along with an international crew of plumbers, cable installers and mechanics.  Although they were promised a 9 AM appointment, the crew had to wait all day for the cable installers to arrive.  Once they showed up, though, they said that for fifty bucks, they'd fix it so the crew got all the porno channels without paying.

More later, including some readers' letters.

Thurs. Sept. 7

Lower Your Head, Heathen!

I live in Virginia where things like "moments of silence" in school are taken seriously.  God knows I don't want to be seen as some kind of Yankee interloper, so here, for your enjoyment, is the world's first web-based Moment of Silence (stare at the blank space below while silently and slowly counting to sixty):

There.  Now, don't you feel better?

Speaking Of Heathens

OK, it's official now.  In case you were wondering, the Vatican has explained its Official Position on Who's Who In Hell.  They didn't exactly say that the Fiery Furnace is standing-room-only with non-Catholics, but they pretty much implied it.

What they did say is that other Christian beliefs have a "flaw"--kinda like Firestone tires, I guess--that makes it difficult for adherents to get that season ticket to the Elysian Fields (where the Angels play).  Sorry, Lutherans; tough break, Episcopalians.  Followers of Yahweh, the Holy Father says you're barking up the wrong Deity.  Moral of the story:  In your next life, pick Catholic parents.

Pop Goes The Dot-Com

As you know if you've been reading this "news" page for any length of time, I take particular delight in chronicling the demise of over-financed and under-thought-out dot com ventures.  None has made me jump and click my heels with more delight than the collapse of Pop.com.

It seems like every paper carried the story this week of the demise of the web site owned by heavy hitters like Steven Spielberg, Ron Howard and David Geffen.  These Left Coast smartasses figured that because they make movies, the Web was going to be a cakewalk for them.  Pop was going to be the Mother Of All Entertainment Web Sites.  Deals had been (or were about to be) signed with talents like Eddie Murphy, Steve Martin and so on to provide content for the site. 

Since the initial announcement about the site was made last Fall, I paid several visits to it.  All I ever saw was a cartoon balloon thingy with "Pop" inside it; when you clicked on it, you were taken to a press release telling you how wonderful the site was going to be when it was done.  That was it.  No fabulous content to be seen.  Not even any non-fabulous content.

This week, it was announced that a deal had been made to sell the site to iFilm.com.  Then, another report said that the deal had fallen through, the site would be shut down and most of Pop's 90 staff members were being laid off.

Two questions, if you don't mind.

1.  Since there was nothing on the site, what, exactly, did iFilm think it was buying?

2.  90 staffers!?  For a site that had nothing on it!?  What the hell did these people do all day?

Just for the sake of comparison, allow me to point out that the silly little web site you're looking at right now is run by two people, with contributions from two or three others.  We've been producing written and video content for it on a regular basis for over a year now.  Before you say, "Yeah, but you don't make any money with it," remember that the Hollywood Whiz Kids threw 50 million of Paul Allen's dollars down the hole called Pop.com and managed to produce exactly one press release in the process.  And we aren't carrying salaries for 90 people, either.  I may be broke, I may have no health insurance, but next to that nightmare, I feel like a financial wizard.  Where's my IPO, damn it!

I Say Stuff The Old Buzzard And Be Done With It

House Majority Whip Tom DeLay and Rep. Don Young have introduced a bill to allow a memorial to former president Ronald Reagan to be built on the Mall in Washington, D.C. 

May I say something here?  ENOUGH WITH THE REAGAN WORSHIP ALREADY!  We've already renamed National Airport in honor of the old coot and there's a brand-new federal office building in downtown D.C. named after him.  Anybody else see the irony in naming the second-largest Federal building in the country after a guy who claimed to want to reduce the size of government?  Want to name something after Reagan?  Rename the national debt the Reagan Memorial Debt.  After all, it quadrupled during his administration.

We don't need any more monuments on the National Mall.  The friggin' place is starting to look like some kind of ghoulish theme park already.  When do the Veterans of the Attack on Grenada get their memorial?  Hey, don't laugh.  That was a grueling four days, Pal. 

"Big Brother" Can't Buy A Break

The slow-motion train wreck known as Big Brother can't seem to win for losing.  The audience is down to about five million viewers now, which means its not exactly the blockbuster CBS was hoping for.

In a desperate to inject excitement into a show that's about as exciting as spending the afternoon at an Earl Scheibs, the producers decided to take the all-American way out: they tried to bribe the contestants to leave.

Part-time news puppet Julie Chen was sent in with a suitcase full of cash--$20,000.  The first contestant to agree to leave the house would get the loot.  When none of the six volunteered, Chen upped the ante, adding another 30 kilobucks.  Still no one moved for the door.  Contestants, 1; CBS, 0.

The producers wanted to get one of the personality-free house dwellers out so they could replace him or her with an allegedly attractive young woman who is described as "opinionated".  Translation: She's a bitch who, they figured, would stir things up.  Trouble is, the six remaining contestants made a pact among themselves to stick it out to the bitter end.  Nyah nyah.