by The Cranky Media Guy!

Monday, Aug. 14

Dear CMG:

FYI, in Texas they use lethal injection to dispatch the condemned, not electrocution.  I guess it makes them feel more humane while committing state-sanctioned homicide.  Only Alabama still requires death row inmates to make their exit via the electric chair.  Florida offers the not-so-dear but soon-to-be departed the option of electrocution or lethal injection.

V. Bubbett

Dear V.:

Thanks for the info.  I was really only using the reference to the electric chair in Texas as a way to set up a dopey joke, but accurate information is always appreciated around here.  FYI, I still think the joke in question (see below) may yet turn up on the Tonight Show.  

CMG

Dear CMG:

Good words, as per usual.  Also, good Weasel this week.  Here's my guess as to the excuse Gore and/or his people will use if and when they lose the election: "Americans, due to years of unmatched prosperity are not yet ready for the depth of innovative leadership Joe and I offered."

It's nice to see you are being plagiarized by the big boys...the highest compliment.

Peace,

fpkelly

Dear F.P.:

Thanks for the kind words.  I like your guess for Gore's excuse; it captures the way politicians like to blame the electorate rather than themselves when they lose.  "I didn't lose because I wouldn't address any of the issues.  America just isn't ready yet for that kind of forward-thinking obfuscation."

CMG

Dear CMG:

I read your News Talk section for 3/7 and I must say it struck a chord.  Our "Global Studies" (World History) class is discussing how, during the Great Depression, Congress enacted laws vetoed by the President.  One bubble-headed student, who I must give some credit to as she was the only one of the slack-jawed gansta wannabes at my school who cared about her education, protested.  "But, how can they do that?  Isn't that a rebellion going against what the President says?  I mean, he is the Democracy!"

I'll let the irony of one person being a democracy sink in and let you wet your pants at the scary, scary thought that this docile, confused Dictatorship-wishing girl is an accurate sampling of the political intelligence of my "Blue Ribbon" school.  When I moved to reinforce the teacher's correction of this girl, others in the class shouted both myself and the teacher down as insurrectionists trying to overturn our Great Democratic Society.

I hope this doesn't cause you too much depression.

Rimstalker

Dear Rimstalker:

If I thought about it for too long, I'd probably get a migraine, so I won't.  I knew the schools in this country were bad, but it wasn't until I became a Dad a couple of years ago that I realized just how bad they are.

My 14-year-old daughter was on line the other day with a friend her age.  She informed me that her friend thought that Maine was a city, not a state.  Also, the friend thought that Christa was making up a place called Saskatchewan.  She had no idea in the world that it was a Canadian province (or, probably, what a province is--or for that matter, where Canada is).

I still can't figure out exactly how the schools got so bad.  Kids go to school for approximately the same number of hours that I did when I was young.  What are they filling up all those hours with?  It doesn't appear to be information about anything.  I dropped out of college (actually two), so I don't have any degrees in anything.  I'm willing to bet, though, that if I had to, I could teach an elementary school-level American history course and do it fairly well.  I mean, they give you the special teacher's edition of the book with all the answers in the back.  How hard can it really be?  Not that anybody would let me, but it would be a fun experiment.

CMG

Friday, August 11

Before We Start...

...I'd like to give a shout-out to my homie, Jay Leno.  Yes, those of you keeping score need to set your Lenometer to 5.  Less than 24 hours ago, I wrote the joke (found below in yesterday's news) about two executions on the same night being known in Texas as a "twi-night double header".  What should I hear on last night's Tonight Show but a reference to two executions on the same night being known as a "double header" in Texas.  Unlike last week's incident where a somewhat simplified version of my George Hamilton-as-a-Negro joke turned up in Jay's monologue, I like my version of the Texas joke better.  Note to Tonight Show writers: as a general rule,  specificity makes a joke better.  Happy to help.

Cranky Media Guy, Hoax Buster!

Last week, the Palm Beach Post of Florida ran a story about some of the protestors at the Republican convention in Philadelphia.  The emphasis of the story was on "wacky" protestors.  One group mentioned in the story was anti-breast feeding.  The reporter talked to the leader of the group, Bruce Spencer.

I can confidently assure you that the "group" is a hoax.  Bruce Spencer is actually veteran media hoaxer Alan Abel.  The article also described "Spencer" as being in his 50's.  Uh, nope.  Alan attended Ohio State in the 1950's and would be closer to 70 now.  I'd happily supply you with a link to the Post story, but they've taken it off the main part of their web site and they charge a fee to access their archives.  Screw that!

Alan has been active in the world of hoaxing since the early 60's when he was on the Today and Tonight shows as one of the founders of SINA, the Society for Indecency to Naked Animals, which advocated clothing animals viewed by the public.  In the late 70's, Alan was notorious as the "proprietor" of Omar's School for Beggars, which supposedly taught people how to panhandle for a living.  I actually appeared as "Omar's" bodyguard on several TV shows, including NBC's Real People.

You may be interested in this piece of historical trivia:  elsewhere on this site, there is a video of the late Andy Kaufman and I (along with Andy's parents and other people) on a cable TV show.  The show was broadcast live 45 minutes after I met Andy for the first time.  The very next night, I introduced Andy to Alan Abel in Andy's room in the New York Hilton across 6th Ave. from ABC.

By The Way...

...we're gonna have a special section of readers' letters on the site Saturday night.  We've gotten some doozies lately and there's still time to get yours in.  Email us at bob@crankymediaguy.com

Thursday, August 10

Contest

OK, so here's Al Gore, a guy who's already perceived by much of the public as Mr. Flip-Flop on the issues.  How much sense does it make for him to have as his running mate a guy who disagrees with him on many of them?

It seems to me that the Democrats are in the process of handing the election to George W., a poster boy for nepotism who's proud of electrocuting retards.  Here's the question: if and when Gore loses, what lame-ass excuse will he (or his flunkies) give for blowing it? 

Send your best (or most sarcastic) guess to bob@crankymediaguy.com before the election and we'll pick a winner or two.  We might even have an odd prize to give away.  Remember, I said "might".

"Do You Have A Last Request Before We Electrocute You?"  "Yeah, Sit On My Lap."

Compassionate conservative Texas governor George W. Bush fried two more Wednesday night.  Two convicted murderers, one of whom was mentally retarded, were electrocuted a half-hour apart in Huntsville.  In the Lone Star state, that's known as a twi-night double header.

For those keeping score, Oliver Cruz, the retarded guy, made a pretty standard plea as he prepared to meet his maker.  "I want to apologize to the family of Kelly Elizabeth Donovan.  I am sorry for what I did 12 years ago.  Jesus forgive me."

Brian Roberson, who also had an appointment with the Grim Reaper on Wednesday, took a different approach to the traditional farewell speech, however.  "To all the racist white folks in America...and to all the black folks in America that hate themselves...kiss my black ass."  Gee, didn't I see that in a Hallmark card?

Texas has performed 227 executions since 1982, 140 of them under Bush.  Good thing George isn't governor of California, huh?  Those "rolling blackouts" they're having out there could spoil all his fun.  Maybe environmentalist Al Gore knows if it's possible to make solar-powered electric chairs.

The E-death March Continues

CountrySong.com

vroom.com

GiftKits.com

The "Amazing" Part Is That Anyone Buys This Bullshit

The Amazing Kreskin, who bills himself as the "world's foremost mentalist" is making a $100,000 bet on the outcome of the Bush-Gore presidential race.  Kreskin (whose real name, if I remember correctly, is George Kresge) appeared on the Howard Stern show.  He sealed his prediction, which he didn't reveal, in a safe which will be opened the day after the election.  If he's wrong, Kreskin says he will give the hundred grand to charity.  I'm predicting he nails it, perhaps even down to the percentage of votes each guy gets.

If you think there's any "psychic ability" involved in this, you really need to get out more.  Let's just say that there's a very good reason Kreskin doesn't reveal his prediction when he "makes" it.  If you really want to know how a trick like that works, you might want to visit a good magic store's web site.  I recommend tannenmagic.com (although the site seemed to be down when I last tried it).  They sell books that explain various ways to perform that exact kind of prediction trick.  Hint: sometimes there's nothing in the envelope until just before it's opened.

By the way, I'd never go to this much trouble to puncture Kreskin's bubble if the guy didn't work so hard at suggesting that he has some kind of "powers".  An ethical magician will make it quite clear to the audience that everything he's doing is accomplished by trickery.  Kreskin likes to "dance in the shadows" as they say and imply that he just might be doing it psychically.  Technically, he's a decent magician doing a mentalist act, but his ethics leave a lot to be desired.