by The Cranky Media Guy

No Kidding, This Is The Single Slimiest Thing Lobbyists Have Ever Done

An pharmaceutical industry-funded anti-Medicare reform group called Citizens for Better Medicare is behind the web site, callyourgrandma.com  Go take a look at it; it's amazing.  They were giving young voters free 10-minute calling cards so they could call their grandmothers to encourage them to vote against Medicare reform.  The site says that they can no longer hand out the cards, "due to overwhelming demand".  No, it's not a joke (unfortunately).  Oh, you also get to play a bowling game with "Flo", the geriatric actress who is in the group's TV commercials.  How do these creepy bastards sleep at night?

You Reap What You Sow (or something like that)

NBC News announced that their plans for covering the Democratic convention do not include airing President Clinton's speech on their main network.  Clinton is expected to speak on the first night of the shindig; NBC's cable outlet MSNBC will carry the speech.  MSNBC's average viewership is only 179,000 households.

Ah, the irony of it all!  Corrupt politicians deregulate the broadcasting business, making any service to the public strictly optional on the part of the license holders.  In return, the network weasels decide that political conventions are bad TV and cut them way back, airtime-wise.  Pretty soon, the conventions will be reduced to a small box in the corner of the screen during the Beanie Babies collectible show on QVC.

Speaking Of Political Irony

It doesn't happen often but you gotta love it when the Republicans do something that upsets the Religious Right.  Here's the scenario: earlier this year, the FCC announced plans to license low-power FM radio stations.  The National Association of Broadcasters fought against the plan, saying that these tiny little stations would interfere with commercial stations many hundreds of times more powerful.

Most technical types saw this as the bullshit it is, but the NAB, which is one of the most powerful lobbying groups in Washington, managed to convince Congress to stymie the licensing anyway.  As it turns out, churches in rural areas--particularly fundamentalist ones--are one of the largest groups applying for the licenses.  Now they're miffed that the guys they've been supporting for years are screwing them over.  Welcome to Secular Reality, brethren.  You're finally starting to realize that, while the politicians will give you lip service, they'll knock you to the ground and step over your prone body when somebody with deeper pockets shows up.  How does it feel to know that you aren't the prettiest girl at the prom, Republi-Christians?

6 Things You Should Know About This Stupid "Star Wars" Defense System

1: It doesn't work.

2: It costs a friggin' fortune.

3: Even after several tests, it doesn't work reliably.

4: The targets it's been tested against resemble in no way anything it would be used against in an actual war situation.

5: Despite the fact that the Pentagon knows the exact launching site, trajectory, size, etc. of the dummy targets (which, of course, would not be the case in war), it still hasn't been reliable in destroying them.

6: It doesn't work.

Dance For Us, White Boys!

If there was anything more amusing this week than watching Al Gore pandering to the NAACP by quoting Scripture, it was watching George W. Bush pander to the NAACP by desperately trying to get the members to believe that a blood-thirsty Republican candidate had their best interests in mind.

Proof That America Still Leads The World

Heinz announced this week that it is introducing a green ketchup.  It tastes the same as their regular red ketchup but comes in a bottle with a narrower spout so kids can draw on their food.

Those Pesky Constituents Just Get In The Way

The governors of the 50 United States held their annual meeting in State College, PA this week.  The meeting was closed to the general public, but corporate handouts were welcomed.

Eighty companies, including AOL, AT&T and Microsoft, paid $12,000 each to be saluted as National Governors Association Corporate Fellows.  Eight other companies, including Apple, AT&T (yes, again) and US Airways shelled out $50,000 each to be known as "steering committee hosts".  Oh, there's lots more, but I'm getting depressed just typing this shit.

State troopers kept the unwashed masses out of the conference.  Maybe the protestors who tried to get in should have waved checks to demonstrate how much they really wanted to talk to their elected officials.

Joe McCormick, director of state and government relations for corporate fellow Boeing Co said, "If you have the public in there, it's not going to be a freewheeling exchange of ideas." 

"That's why we stopped calling it a 'conference' and call it a 'meeting', " said Christine LaPaille, the group's public affairs director.  "There was a perception that a 'conference' allowed everyone to come in and participate."  Stupid stupid public, thinking that they should have the same access to state governors as "corporate fellows".  Sheesh.

"No, Senator, 'Napster' Is Not Strom Thurmond's Nickname."

By now, you undoubtedly know about the big hullabaloo involving Napster and the record industry.  Up 'til now, the only bunch of insincere assholes not involved in this fight was Congress, so naturally, they got in the middle of it this week.

Since the average cretin on the Hill doesn't know his email from a shemale, the hearing only managed to demonstrate just how out-of-touch Congress is.  What they do understand, however, is that the record industry is in a position to write checks to their reelection campaigns, so they're loath to piss off their lobbyists.

Weirdly enough, alleged liberal Dianne Feinstein and poster boy for the argument that Satan can take human form, Orrin Hatch, sort of swapped sides for this main event.

Hatch said that the record labels' unwillingness to grant licenses to online music providers could raise questions about illegal collusion in the industry.  Feinstein said that programs like Napster involve technology "which entirely defeats the purpose of copyright protection."

Senator Patrick Leahy said that the online people and the industry types should work something out, pronto.

"If the parties don't come to some voluntary agreement, I suspect there will be pressure on Congress to create compulsory statutory licensing."  Yikes!  God knows no one wants that.  You know Congress will come up with something that will fuck the whole thing up and make it worse than it is now.

Thank God He Isn't A Postal Worker!

According to Time magazine, Florida Senator Bob Graham, who was on Al Gore's short list for the V.P. slot, keeps a running account of every meal, every meeting and every person he meets.  He has been doing this for 23 years.   Also, two weeks ago, when word spread in Miami that Elian Gonzalez was going home to Cuba, Graham began writing an operatta about the boy.  In one scene, Elian's mother emerges slowly from the ocean, soaked to the bone.  Starting softly and increasing in volume, she sings of her loss. 

Don't Let The E-door Hit You In The E-ass To...

i-filezone.com
ic-direct.com
orientation.com

(and there's plenty more right behind these, rumor has it)

OK, So It Isn't True, But It's Still Funny

Two buildings collapsed in Brooklyn, New York.  Mayor Rudy Giuliani said he would wait to find out the race of the victims before he decided whether or not to extend condolences to their families.