One Brand, Two Labels

By Robert Pagani

So, the Democrats got their ass beat in this last election.  It wasn't a big loss as far as percentages go but with the winner-take-all system we have, a loss is a loss is a loss. 

So, after licking their wounds, the deep thinkers of the Democratic Party went to a secret, undisclosed location and began to strategize.  They realized that what they need to do is to reframe their message so as to better reach their traditional constituencies of working people, minorities and women, to convince more people that their policies are superior to those of the Republicans.  If only.  That’s what they would have done if they collectively had more brains than the Tin Man from Oz.

No, what they actually did was what they do best: panic and point fingers.  Then some of them started to make the most disturbing noise heard outside of a chicken rendering plant.  It sounded something like this: “Our loss is all Michael Moore’s fault.  What we need to do is move the party to the right, become more conservative.”

Oh yeah, THAT’s the answer.  I guess the logic is along the lines of "if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em."  Now I'm not a partisan, I basically dislike all politicians. And I don't find much appealing about the Demoocrat party today, and I don't know if I would help them even if I could. I’m just a fat white guy with a laptop computer and a copy of Microsoft Word, but I think I can prove that that is the dumbest strategy since the last time Paris Hilton played Tic-Tac-Toe.

OK kids, put your jammies on and gather ‘round me in a circle.  It’s Analogy Time!

Remember something from the '80's called New Coke?  The Coca-Cola Company was worried about their archrival, Pepsi, gaining market share.  So what did the geniuses at Coca-Cola do?  Well, they replaced the product they had been selling for the better part of a century (probably the best-known product on Planet Earth) with a product that tasted exactly like Pepsi.  They named it New Coke.  New Coke sat on store shelves within feet of the product it tasted exactly like.  How could a marketing strategy like that fail?  Well, seen any New Coke around lately?  I’ll answer that for you: No, you haven’t.

New Coke’s "Unique Selling Proposition" (which is marketing-speak for how you pitch your product to the public) was that it tasted just like its competition. Do you see a problem with that?  Why should I buy YOUR product when the best thing you can tell me about it is that it isn’t any different than the competition?  Why should I not just reach up and pluck that can of Pepsi off the shelf?  After all, it must be pretty good if you’re trying to be just like it, right?  Why buy the imitation when the original is right next to it?

You’re probably getting ahead of me by now but let’s walk through it anyway.  What the Democrats are proposing to do is to turn themselves into the political equivalent of New Coke.  Putting aside the immorality and amorality of abandoning any principles they ever claimed to have, thereby leaving their constituency with no real choice (after all, since when did morality have anything to do with politics?), this is an incredibly stupid thing for the Democrats to be considering.

If they intend to be as much like the Republicans as possible, why should anyone vote for them?  If you are a liberal, you don't want to vote Republican and if you are a Republican you aren't interested in Republican II. Why reach for the lever that says "Democrat" when the one that says "Republican" is right next to it? Why vote for the imitation instead of the original when they’re the same?  In short, moving to the right to better resemble the Republicans is THE single stupidest Unique Selling Proposition the Democrats could come up with.

Yeah, let’s blame the loss on Michael Moore, the guy who worked harder and more tirelessly than anyone else to get Democrats elected.  Let’s not think about the fact that John Kerry had the charisma of road kill or that his message on the Iraq mess seemed to be that, while he didn’t exactly disagree with President Bush on anything he’s done there or how he’s done it, somehow if Kerry was running the show, in some unspecified way, things would be different.  Let’s not consider that, even with the incompetence shown by the Kerry campaign, he came within two percentage points of winning despite being the worst canditate since Al Gore and being an even bigger flip-flopper.

No, instead let’s completely trash the legacy of the party of FDR and JFK.  It isn’t about principles, you stupid liberals, it’s about WINNING, damn it, winning at all costs.  By even considering this retarded plan, the Democrats have revealed that what they’re really about is nothing more than trying to get the public to vote for THEIR bunch of white guys in expensive suits instead of the OTHER bunch of white guys in expensive suits.

My prediction?  The Democrats will go down the road of becoming more Republican-like (they’re just that stupid and short-sighted).  Will it help them get elected?  Hell no (for the reason already given: bad USP).  So what if that shift leaves the working people of America with no political party to represent their interests? 

The good news?  In a few years, no later than 2020 is my guess, collectors will be able to buy little pieces of the all-but-defunct Democratic Party, at bargain prices, on eBay for nostalgia purposes, to put on shelves next to their dusty cans of New Coke.  Happy obsolescence, you stupid, principle-free, donkeys!