by The Cranky Media Guy!

"I think the media confuses news on the one hand with important information on the other.  I hope no news is committed but I think we will have a week of important information."
- Former GOP head Haley Barbour, explaining his hopes for the Republican convention.

Friday, August 4

I've Heard The Lincoln Robot At Disney World Speak And You, Governor, Are No Lincoln Robot

Fair is fair, so "props", as the kids say, to George W. Bush for having a great speechwriter.  It really was well-written.  Of course, Junior delivered it with all the modulation of a dial tone--or as I'm sure Rush Limbaugh will say on his Friday show, Dubya was "steady and even".

As he spoke, the TV cameras frequently cut to a shot of Dubya's dad, the former president.  It's nice to see a young person nowadays who wants to take over his father's business, isn't it?

During the convention, a lot of air time was given to the candidate's half-Hispanic nephew, George P. Bush.  He's young and handsome; some people have compared him to Ricky Martin.  If he goes into singing, his debut hit might be entitled Livin' La Vida Trust Fund. 

Of course, all things must end.  The convention wrapped up at 11 last night and the kumbaya glow started to fade almost immediately.  Outside the arena, you could see hundreds of white delegates hopping into shuttle buses back to their hotel as the five black delegates tried to flag down a cab they could share.  Yup, it's Morning in America.  Again.

You Didn't Believe Me Before, Did You?

In yesterday's little dispatch, I mentioned that, by my count, jokes from this site had been ripped off by Jay Leno's writers three times so far (see below for details).  Well, you can set the Lenometer to 4 now.  In last week's commentary, I made a joke about George Hamilton being the closest thing to an actual black person most Republicans know (it was phrased a little bit more Dennis Miller-ish than that, but that was the gist of the joke).  On last night's show, Jay made a joke about the "old days" when the only black person at a Republican convention was George Hamilton. 

Okay, I don't want to seem paranoid or anything, but come on!  Once you can dismiss as coincidence, even twice, but four times??  It's all very flattering to realize that I have the chops to be a writer for the Tonight Show, but money and recognition would be nice, too, you know?

I Think I Speak For All Of America When I Say, "Screw You, Congress!"

As you may be aware, our elected representatives in Washington are on their annual eight-week summer vacation (one of only three or four such hiatuses they manage to squeeze into their busy schedule every year). 

Before they left town, of course they wanted to take care of lingering business.  Naturally, they couldn't finish up everything, so they had to prioritize.  They weren't able to get to the issues of universal health care, gun control or fixing up the nation's schools, but they did manage to deal with Issue Number One: making sure they got a pay raise.

Under a law passed in 1989, members of Congress automatically get a pay raise unless they vote to block it.  Opponents of the salary increase lost the motion by a vote of 250-173.  Darn, so close!

Oh, by the way, the $3800 boost is the third "cost-of-living" pay raise in four years for Congress.  As of next January, lawmakers will make $145,100 per year.  Yes, these are the same guys and gals who say that an increase in the five dollar and change per-hour minimum wage is unnecessary at this time.

Here's A Link To A Funny Story About Republicans In A Strip Club In Philly:

http://www.alternet.org/story.html?StoryID=9557

Thursday, August 3

The NEW And IMPROVED Republican Party, Now With Melanin!

When historians of the future look back to figure out precisely when America slipped permanently into the Twilight Zone, I suspect the moment most frequently mentioned will be when the Wednesday session of the Republican National Convention was opened with an appearance by World Wrestling Federation champion, The Rock.   Salvador Dali on mushrooms couldn't have come up with anything as surreal as a professional wrestler introducing Dennis Hastert. 

All kidding aside, don't you hate to see standards lowered like that?  I mean wrestling's standards, of course.  [that, by the way, is my nominee for the joke Most Likely To Be Stolen by Jay Leno's Writers for this week.  Last week's line about how no one better burst any of those balloons that fall from the ceiling or Dick Cheney would have another heart attack was, by my count, the third joke from this site to show up on the Tonight Show so far.  I actually called that one ahead of time; Thursday, on our way to work, I predicted to my wife that that joke would turn up on Leno.  It did, a day later.  Hey guys, if you're gonna take my stuff, could you at least pay me something?  I'm in hock to Discover Card.]

Since welfare is being phased out, the surest way for a poor black person to get a free meal is to put on one of those stupid elephant hats and hang around outside the convention hall.  Before you can say "inclusion", they'll buy you lunch and have you up on stage making a speech about lifting yourself up by your bootstraps, even if you don't own any.  It's kind of ironic, the only black Republican who hasn't been allowed on stage at the convention is the one who tried the hardest to get there, Alan Keyes.

The Republicans decided this would be a "non mean-spirited" convention.   To make sure it stays that way, hall security has been empowered to beat senseless anyone who utters the words "Pat Buchanan".  Just for saying either "Pat" or "Buchanan", you get noogies.  Wondering why you haven't seen Bob Dole at the convention?  His invitation had next week's date on it.

Going into Philadelphia, the GOP announced that this would be a convention that "represented the country".  One-fourth of the delegates are millionaires, so I have to ask, which country?  Saudi Arabia?  That isn't a convention floor, it's a gated community.

It's kind of weird seeing all those black people on stage contrasted with the dazzling whiteness of the audience.  I think I've uncovered something, though.  The people on stage aren't really black; the networks are using an X-ray camera on the podium.  You read it here first.  You'll hear it on Leno later.

Two More Bite The E-dust

clickmango.com

Pandesic.com

A Headline From Reuters

"One-quarter of World Lives on Less Than a Dollar a Day"

...or, as Nike calls it, "time and a half".

I'm Getting Tired.  Write Your Own Ironic Punchline To This One

To comply with FCC regulations, corporate radio giant CBS/Infinity had to sell or turn off one of its stations in Chicago.  It chose to shut down WMAQ, which has been in the market since 1922.  Most of the 60 staff members of the all-news station were let go as of this past Monday.

The station's call letters stood for We Must Ask Questions.  Yes, really.

Cheap Joke of the Week

Mary Cheney, "out" lesbian daughter of Republican vice-presidential candidate Dick Cheney said, "Sure, I'd debate Al Gore's daughters.  I'd welcome the opportunity to lick any one of them."   (okay, she said no such thing.  I made it up.  Sorry.  I just find enormous amusement in the idea of an extreme right-wing Republican who presumably supports his party's position that homosexuality is "immoral" having a lesbian daughter.  It's going to be fun watching Cheney trying to squirm out of dealing with it.)

Actual Reader Letter of the Week

Dear Cranky Media Guy:

I am a seventeen-year-old high school student.  Tonight, I took my sister out to get a can of hair dye.  My sister is thirteen years old, an honor student going into eighth grade, in one of the top 100 public schools in the country.

And she had no idea what the Electoral College was.

Nor did she understand any other part of the process of  electing a president.  She did not understand caucusing, primaries, etc.  She did not understand the nominations--and we're from Philadelphia, so the entire Republican party is in our back yard!

This is disgusting.  When I read last week how the government cut funds to education to keep young people ignorant of their power in a democracy, I laughed it off as paranoia.  I was wrong.  For whatever reason, children aren't being told how their democracy works.  Some aren't anyway.  Certainly not the lower class schools.  Apparently not even the upper-middle-class schools, such as mine and my sister's.  But the private schools where my friends go...  Some of the most politically educated children in the country.  You figure it out.

Alex Jacobs

Dear Alex:

Don't be so quick to dismiss it as paranoia.   You're absolutely right--the lack of time spent in schools today on what used to be called "civics" is disgusting.  I have a fourteen-year-old daughter who, like your sister, is very bright but who has a shocking lack of knowledge about how her country is supposed to operate.

Even if it isn't a deliberate "conspiracy" on the part of the people who run the schools to keep the masses ignorant of how democracy is intended to run, it sure works out that way rather neatly, doesn't it?  Keep up the critical thinking, even if your friends make fun of you for it at times.  In my humble opinion, "popularity" isn't as important as using that brain you have to its fullest.

C.M.G.

Robert Downey Jr., The Most Important Man in the World Today

"Actor Robert Downey Jr. Freed From Prison"

"Court Orders Actor Robert Downey Jr. Freed"

"Appeals Court Orders Actor Robert Downey Jr. Freed"

--three consecutive "clickable" links on foxnews.com's Entertainment page

The "New Economy" in Real Life

by Reader Reporter "L.F."

As reported in the Akron Beacon Journal, June 23 --
Kent State University president Carol Cartwright gets a raise of $13,000, bringing her salary up to 233,000. This is supposed to be part of an overall "cost of living adjustment" for Kent State people (Lord knows, you just can't make ends meet on $220,000 a year these days!).  And what was NOT reported in the ABJ: That KSU housekeepers make about $12,000 a year. Some of them, who work for private contract companies, don't get raises.  Zip. Nada. - You see, while you can't make ends meet on $220,000 a year, $12,000 is just dandy if you are a member of the great unwashed.

Now to be fair, we're sure Carol Cartwright has a good elitist justification for the disparity. ...You know, something like, "They just don't place the same value on human life that we do."

Are you starting to get a picture of what Bush/Cheney economics is really like?