by The Cranky Media Guy!

Sat. Sept. 16

"Line One For Mr. Tyson...It's Bellevue"

Sportsman of the Year candidate Mike Tyson addressed the media during a press conference held to hype his upcoming fight against Andrew Golota.

"I'm on the Zoloft to keep me from killing y'all," the irrepressible scamp told the assembled reporters.  The state boxing commission in Michigan has expressed concern about the fact that Tyson stops taking the anti-depression drug prior to his bouts.  The always-ready-with-a-quip pugilist addressed that issue.

"It has really messed me up and I don't want to take it, but they are concerned about the fact that I am a violent person, almost an animal.  And they only want me to be an animal in the ring.

"That's why I set the pay-per-view records.  There are nine million people who see me in the ring who hate my guts, most of them white.  But that's OK.  Just spell my name right."

The former undisputed world champion says he's no longer interested in titles.  He's got his sights set on bigger things, does our Mike.

"I don't know anything about being the heavyweight champion, or being a good respectable person," he said.  "I just want them to keep bringing guys on and I'm going to strip them of their health.  I bring pain, a lot of pain."

OK, remind me again--professional wrestling is bad and not a sport because it has fake violence but boxing is good and is a sport because it has real violence?  I just need that cleared up for me every now and then.

Fan Mail From Some Flounder?

Dear Cranky Media Guy:

Good words on the tire flap...no pun intended.  When are you going to do another review on fast food?...perhaps a review of the various different lunch meats used at Subway (I don't know if you even have Subway sandwiches on the East Coast)...or Boston Market.

Hear about the mysterious package the Gore camp got?  Turned it in...probably lucky they did--sounds like a set-up by the Shrub forces.

I'm glad I found your page by clicking on Jokes somewhere.  That snoozing bloke with the Sinatra hat cracked me up.  Later.

Cigarbutt

Dear Cigarbutt:

Thanks for the kind words.  Yeah, I know I've been a little remiss on the fast food reviews.  See, I only really eat about five different things, so it's tough for me to find food I can review.  Yes, we have Subway on the East Coast.  In fact, Fred, (I always forget his last name) the guy who started the Subway chain is from the Bronx, not far from where I grew up, in fact.  Same zip code, even.

Uh, that "snoozing bloke" is ME and I wasn't sleeping.  That's a portion of a video found elsewhere on this site; I was trying to have "attitude" in that video, which is why I look PO'd in that clip.  As for the hat, I'll have you know I bought that at Wal-Mart.

C.M.G.

Dear Cranky Media Guy:

If the Cranky News Talk is to be believed, it isn't a good idea to be a transsexual in Texas.  No, I'm not talking about the alleged bigotry and backyard patriotism of the Texans, but the prohibition of "obscene devices" will cause severe health problems to postoperative intersexuals and male-to-female transsexual.

As you might know, dilation is an important part of aftercare of genital reconstruction that involves stretching the newly-created female parts with a penis-like stent.  This is not about sexual stimulation, but prevention of physiological problems which might occur from neglected aftercare.  (Same procedure is applied when a normal non-trans/intersexed woman undergoes genital surgery).  But just try to tell that to certain people!

If the artificial stents are outlawed, the only way to practice dilation is to use natural stents.  That means either getting married or living in promiscuity.  But given the nature of this Catch-22 situation, the Texas legislature does not recognize post-operative inter- or transsexuals as being women; thus, marriage with a man is impossible.  Living in promiscuity doesn't appear a good idea, either as it's a nice way to catch VD.  Prostitution is not a suggestible lifestyle to anyone either.

Susanna

Dear Susanna:

Trust me, I did not make that story up.  What amazes me about this situation is that idiotic laws like this are made by men and women who call themselves "conservative".  Aren't conservatives supposed to want smaller government that stays out of people's lives? 

What business is it of the government's whether or not a citizen uses a dildo?  Gee, the crime rate must be really low in Texas if they have time to worry about things like that, huh?

To enforce this law, wouldn't they have to have cops peeking into bedroom windows?  If they don't intend to enforce the law, then what is the purpose of having it on the books?   I'd love to see someone try to explain how stupid, intrusive laws like this make government smaller.

C.M.G.

Dear Cranky Media Guy:

The Green Party list serv is asking everyone to email the big O with requests to include Nader in the debates on her show.  I obliged them.  Hey, good job on that Kent State University story.  It was hilarious!

Dear Oprah and Co.,

I mean no disrespect, but what are you thinking by NOT asking Ralph Nader to debate with Gore and Bush?  This is a very foolish, shortsighted thing to do, for three reasons:

1) The debates will be boring.

2) The debates will be boring.

3) The debates will be boring.

Experts agree that this year, Americans will, in record numbers, avoid voting--and who can blame them?  Their real choices have been marginalized.  Likewise, how many TV viewers will bother to tune in to hear Bore's drone and Gush's say-it-don't-spray-it drawl?

If just so happens that providing a true debate is what our democracy needs right now.  It will also provide you with what you rely on: viewers.  Would that be nice?  Give us something interesting to watch.  Please!

Thank you.

Lorie F.

Fri. Sept. 15

Sometimes, The Jokes Write Themselves

(Paducah, KY) -- Some Paducah residents feel left out of a visit to town by Republican vice presidential candidate Dick Cheney. He and his wife Lynne spent the night in Paducah last night, after an appearance at a tickets-only fundraiser to give his speech about the economy and "real plans for real people." Cheney is expected to wrap up his visit to Kentucky today with another private event in Paducah. Running mate George W. Bush made a stop in Paducah in May, but that was a closed appearance, as well.

(Thanks and a tip of the Cranky Chapeau to Pete McRae for forwarding this story)

Hmm, It Must Be Election Time Again

UNITED NATIONS (Reuters) - The United States warned Iraq on Thursday it stood ready to use military force if Baghdad threatens its neighbors, after Iraq accused Kuwait of stealing its oil and an Iraqi jet violated Saudi air space.

"We do have a credible force in the region and are prepared to use it in an appropriate way at a time of our choosing," Secretary of State Madeleine Albright told a news conference.

Thurs. Sept. 14

She Thinks "Malcolm X" Is A Sit-Com On Fox

With all the wacky, zany, crazy goings-on in the Republican and Democratic camps, we don't get to hear nearly enough about the always-amusing Reform party.

Pat Buchanan's running-mate, Ezola Foster, is one nutty Negress.  With 33 years experience as a teacher in Los Angeles behind her, here's her take on the school lunch program:

"This idea that you come to school hungry--come on!  It's crazy!  It's just so they can bring in all these lunch programs, breakfast programs--next, it's gonna be dinner!...That's not the job of the schools--to feed the children.  Let them pay for it or let them bring their own."

According to the Washington Post, although Foster grew up in a small Louisiana town in the 40's and 50's, she says segregation wasn't really so bad.  Yes, she was supposed to sit in the back of the bus, but some of the less racist white drivers would occasionally let her sit wherever she wanted.   Also, although blacks were only allowed to attend the local movie theater one day a month, that had its good side too because, "it was so exciting to have the theater all to ourselves." 

Ezola Foster, definitely in the running for the Cranky Media Guy Positive Thinker Award for 2000.

It's All In How You Look At It, I Guess

I wanted to take a moment to refute a medical report I saw on the local TV news the other night.  The report said that obese men get fewer erections than thinner men.  I would like to state for the record that this is untrue.  The problem isn't that we don't get erections.  The problem is that we can't see them.

The Rich, They Are Different

Darryl Strawberry hits a stop sign and then slams into a vehicle stopped at a red light.  According to his lawyer, Strawberry blacked out at the wheel because of a bad reaction to prescription medication.  Joseph Ficarotta, the lawyer, said, "He took some kind of medication and that apparently caused some reaction and made him pass out.  Where in the sequence he blacked out I don't know."

A few weeks ago, actress Anne Heche was wandering around her neighborhood in a daze.  Eventually, she knocked on the door of a neighbor and, reportedly, asked for a ride on the "mothership".  Her spokesperson said that her bizarre behavior was caused by sunstroke.

You know, I grew up in the Bronx in the 60's and I witnessed a lot of strange behavior on the part of some of my friends.  Oddly enough, it was invariably caused by drug abuse.  Although we spent a lot of time outdoors, I don't recall any incidents of sunstroke and no one I knew ever blacked out because of legal drugs.  Those "bad reactions" to over-the-counter medicines seem to be confined to the rich and famous.  You know, the kind of folks who have "people" to make statements on their behalf.  Gee, maybe F. Scott Fitzgerald was right after all; maybe the rich really are different.  (That, I promise you, is the one and only time F. Scott Fitzgerald will ever be quoted on this web site.)

They're Dead, Jim!

SurfingPrizes.com

AtomicPop.com

(Just so you know, I only list e-companies that have actually given up the ghost.  I don't even mention the ones that have laid off part of their staff or which have "temporarily postponed" their IPO's.)

I Say The Whole Election's Subliminable!

This whole Republican "subliminal" TV spot flap is just priceless, isn't it?  As usual, both sides are at least partially full of crap.  Let's deconstruct the situation, shall we? 

The Republicans say that the appearance of the word "rats" on the screen was an "accident".  OK, that's just not possible.  I've worked in TV; I can tell you that any words you see on your screen were typed there on a machine called a Chyron.  Someone had to have typed "rats" in to make it appear.  Now, it's possible that, as they say, it was only intended to represent the end of the word "bureaucrats" flying around to provide visual interest, but there is no way that it appeared by itself.

The word is on the screen for one frame, 1/30th of a second.  That's what allegedly makes it "subliminal".  While it's possible that someone in the Republican camp thought that a message flashed on-screen like that would have unconscious effect on the viewers, there has never been any scientific proof that "subliminal" messages work.  That goes for subliminal audio as well as video.  Tapes are sold with "hidden" messages that supposedly help people lose weight, take control of their lives, stop smoking, etc.  No matter what the advertising material may allege, no one has ever been able to prove, scientifically, that tapes with "subliminal" messages work.  As I said before, though, that doesn't prove that someone working for the GOP didn't believe that it would work.  We just don't know (and we aren't likely to find out).

Screw all this objective scientific stuff, though.  The real interesting thing is that we have a guy running for President who can't pronounce "subliminal".  Since Dubya is on this "mingling with the common folk" kick at the moment, I think it would be funny if people showed up at his events and deliberately asked him carefully-worded questions with hard words in them so we can all have a good laugh when he stumbles over the words in his answers. 

Hey, he's the one who acted all offended when Gail Sheehy wrote an article saying that he might be dyslexic.  If he had copped to it, much of the criticism of his problem would have been stopped in its tracks.  Most people would feel guilty making fun of a person with a learning disability.  By denying that he's dyslexic, Dubya has essentially admitted that he's just plain stupid and that's always fun to make fun of.  I say, let the games begin!