Sex, Drugs, and Extended Hospital Stays

by Will 'The Cranky Music Man' Golightly

Have you ever felt like the Grammys have been ignoring your favorite artists? Perhaps you were bummed to hear that the Magnetic Fields’ "69 Love Songs" was passed over. Or full of righteous indignation that Kool Keith is still being ignored by the awards show. Maybe you still think Jethro Tull IS the best heavy metal band in the world. Regardless, you should thank your lucky stars the Grammys have left you alone.

Michael Greene, the boss of the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences—the organization responsible for the Grammys—has been accused of sexual assault and battery. Again.

Two former employees had accused Greene of sexual harassment already. In fact, after the internal investigations, the NARAS set up a program in their human resources department to monitor these sorts of shenanigans. Perhaps Greene would have been better off picking someone other than the head of the human resources department to harass.

But passion can make one lose one’s senses. Or at least make one say inappropriate things in one’s workplace. After Greene’s relationship with the head of the human resources department went sour, he is claimed to have assaulted her in a bathroom, in the parking lot, and to have called her a nasty name. It rhymes with "glut."

The case is being settled out of court for $650,000, which the Grammy organization is not thrilled to pay. Many of the Recording Academy trustees are calling for his head on a platter. Which is not sexual harassment, by the way. If they were calling for his penis on a platter, perhaps. But these distinctions are best left to someone who knows more about the law.

Speaking of which, Snoop Dogg is apparently feeling a little frisky about his chances of beating the marijuana charge brought against him last month. Despite the maximum fine of $250 if he is found guilty, Snoop has plead not guilty. This from a man who was in the middle of his "Puff, Puff, Pass" tour when he was pulled over by an Ohio policeman, who found the marijuana on the tour bus. Not guilty! You have to admire Snoop, if nothing else for his sheer audacity.

Garbage’s European tour has hit a hitch as well. Their drummer and producer, Butch Vig, has come down with hepatitis A. That doesn’t sound good. He is expected to make a full recovery.

Vig at least has age on his side. Johnny Cash is not so lucky. The 69-year-old was hospitalized twice for bronchitis last month. I had bronchitis when I was a kid, and it’s a barrel of laughs. And phlegm. This is just the most recent addition to Cash’s medical records. Since 1998, when he was at death’s door with pneumonia, he has been hospitalized six times.

The Man in Black, as he is known, could reasonably be known as the Man in a Hospital Gown at this point. For years he had been suffering from some mystery ailment, which his doctors diagnosed like they were using a dartboard. At first he was told he had Parkinson’s. Then it was Shy-Drager Syndrome, a similar disease. Finally, the doctors promised he has autonomic neuropathy. They’re sticking with that story for now. We’ll see what the future holds.