Bras, Bizkit, and B&S

by Will 'The Cranky Music Man' Golightly

A surprising trend has emerged, and it’s made me see rock music in an entirely new light. No, it isn’t MTV’s narcissistic rerunning of 20th anniversary shows. You may have missed the block of programming that described how MTV changed the face of the earth Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, but you MUST have seen its most recent airing on Sunday, right? You didn’t?

What I’m getting at here is what I call the "Limp Bizkit Homoerotic Translation Service." It takes songs by gay artists and reinterprets them in a style that makes sense to the straight-thinking young men and women listening to the radio. When the Bizkits first came to fame, it was on the back of their version of George Michael’s "Faith." You don’t get much gayer than George "Who Wears Short Shorts?" Michael. Unless, of course, you are Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

All of us remember "Relax," a controversial club hit from the ominous year of 1984. And we remember wondering, in our more innocent days, what exactly we were being asked to do by those thinly veiled commands thundering through the chorus. To refresh our memory, Limp Bizkit have remade this ode to postponed ejaculation for Ben Stiller’s new movie, "Zoolander." The world thanks you, Mr. Durst. And they haven’t even started plundering the Pet Shop Boys’ back catalog!

Right behind the Bizkits are Belle and Sebastian, who don’t make gay songs sound straight—they take straight songs and make them sound gay. There’s a good time to be had there, but it may come crashing to an end—Angelina Jolie wants to join the band.

Jolie’s uncle, Chip Taylor, wrote the epochal "Wild Thing" and the more subversive "Angel of the Morning." In an interview from the Scottish Sun, Taylor said he thought his niece would be a "great success" as a singer in Belle and Sebastian.

Jolie and B&S "have the same kind of passion in their work," says Chip. I agree completely. Belle and Sebastian are currently going through their "Watching Paint Dry" phase, and Angelina Jolie hasn’t made a decent movie since…well, "Gia" had some nudity in it.

Speaking of boobs, merely coming into contact with Madonna’s infamous pair is enough to make a bra worth a bundle. Her men, on the other hand, don’t tend to fare so well. Warren Beatty is still recovering from "Dick Tracy," and Dennis Rodman doesn’t have any NBA teams knocking on his door. But the beaded bra worn by Madonna on her Girlie Tour 1993 was purchased last week at an auction for almost $24,000. It was designed by Dolce & Gabbana, if you’re interested. And if you’re Limp Bizkit, perhaps you are.