You’re The One For Me, Stumpy

by Will 'The Cranky Music Man' Golightly

Well, life goes on. This is a fact no one but a Bob Dylan fanatic would disagree with. But even I was shocked and a little disappointed to hear that Paul McCartney is engaged. Linda McCartney has barely begun recycling herself and Sir Paul is already deciding AGAIN whether or not to invite Ringo to the ceremony. After all, Paul and Linda were the most devoted couple in music. They hocked veggie burgers together, for heaven’s sake!

The new love of his life is Heather Mills, a one-legged swimsuit model he met two years ago at a charity event for one-legged swimsuit models. Or something like that. Regardless, the couple are planning to tie the knot next year, which isn’t doing George Harrison any favors. If you haven’t heard, Harrison is currently suffering from cancer of the everything. But we’ll go into that some other time.

Were you feeling a little worn down the middle of last week? I can barely get out of bed in the morning when Wednesdays roll around. Half the week down, but another half to go. It seems Mariah Carey is in the same boat as us. Last Wednesday, she of the piercing tone checked herself into a hospital. If you guessed "exhaustion," you’re the winner! Like any self-respecting famous person with a problem, Mariah is spending a little time recovering from this mysterious affliction.

Drug addiction, crippling insecurity, or just plain looniness can be very exhausting it seems. I don’t know what Mariah Carey’s problems are, but I suspect they are of the loony variety. On her official website she has been posting phone messages for her fans. Last week she left a clearly troubled one, which was pulled from the site soon after it was posted. Transcripts of it can be found, however. The Cranky Legal Team has asked me to make it clear that I am quoting from a transcript I found at an unofficial fan site, by the way. Now for the fun stuff. Here are some excerpts:

"I just can’t trust anybody anymore right now because I don’t understand what’s going on. So, because I’m desperately trying to get out of this room." Pardon me?

"And, well, what I ‘d like to do is just take a little break or at least get one night of sleep without someone popping up about a video or a thing where all I really want to do is just be me and that’s what I should’ve done in the first place but somebody – I mean people – whatever, I allowed myself to be a little too paranoid about life." Could you repeat that?

"And life is for living so – that’s how deep this is. So if anybody gets this that really cares, just do me favor, close the record. Close the management company down that I own, and I’m gonna lie here and wait for that to happen. Not that anybody cares, it probably sounds ridiculous. But I can’t reach anybody on the phone, so actually that’s where we’re at." Exactly.

Maybe this exhaustion thing is more serious than I thought. In fact, I’m feeling a little tired right now. Maybe I should look into this further…