French Fries, Tom Waits, The Pope, and Homosexuals!

by Will 'The Cranky Music Man' Golightly

Do you like strange combinations? Me too! I eat McDonald's french fries with the Chicken McNugget hot mustard sauce, not ketchup. I love menthol cigarettes and chocolate milk. I mix my peas with my mashed potatoes, though nothing else on the plate is allowed to touch. But nothing could prepare me for the ASCAP Pop Awards the other week.

ASCAP is the American Society of Composers, Authors, and Publishers. People sign contracts with them, and in return ASCAP gets them money. The details are a little weird and, if you ask me, a little shady. But that's not important. What is important is that the prestigious ASCAP Founders Award for General Awesomeness was given to Tom Waits this year. ASCAP's President said of Waits, "His is a truly rich musical legacy that will enrich generations to come." Or so Wall of Sound's website told me.

My first reaction was, "What about his cinematic legacy? Don't tell me future generations won't be enriched by Mystery Men." What really shows how important musical legacy is to ASCAP is the rest of the award ceremony, held at the Beverly Hills Hilton for six hundred industry suits. Songwriter of the Year went to the writers of the Backstreet Boys' "I Want it That Way" and "Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely," 'N Sync's "Bye Bye Bye" and "It's Gonna Be Me," and Celine Dion's "That's the Way It Is." Savage Garden got Song of the Year for "I Knew I Loved You."

The thought of Waits' four song set being played in between performances by the Goo Goo Dolls and Savage Garden is just strange. But what do I know? I think the idea of pop stars mixing with religious leaders is dumb.

The Pope disagrees, however. Set for release this Christmas is a CD featuring 'N Sync, Britney Spears, and Faith Hill intoning some of Pope John Paul II's favorite prayers. The most unbelievable part is that there will be a DVD and video of the making of JP2's Fave Raves, or whatever they end up calling the album. The DVD will include a bonus documentary on the special effects needed to make the Pope appear so life-like.

Speaking of close personal friends of the Pope, Sinead O'Connor has pulled out of the Wotapalava Tour. It's the first openly gay music festival to tour the States, and it will include Broadway singers and cabaret performers on the second stage. Way to fight stereotypes, guys! Performing on the bill will be the Pet Shop Boys, Soft Cell, Rufus Wainwright, and the Magnetic Fields. With the exception of Soft Cell, that's a pretty damn good lineup. But don't worry about Soft Cell; I hear Faith Hill's version of their song "Sex Dwarf" will be included as a bonus track on the Japanese import of the Pope's Christmas album. John Paul II always preferred that one over "Tainted Love," which he feels is too long and poorly mixed.