Sordid Tales

by Will 'The Cranky Music Man' Golightly

It's bad enough that Bob Costas is trying to make me feel guilty for never having seen Oscar Robertson play ball. To make matters worse, I have to write this week's column with pen and paper. Yes, I believe they still make that stuff, though I can't be sure; all my notebooks are left over from college. This one contains the few pages of notes I took on 18th Century British Literature -- I dropped that class faster than you can say "600 pages of drawing rooms, parlors and fox hunts."

Now here's the news flash: Michael Stipe is gay! He told Time magazine that he has been in a relationship with a gentleman for the last three years. Who saw that coming? First Elton John, then George Michael and now this. Next thing you know, they're going to tell me Morrissey is gay.

I haven't heard the new REM album, but I've heard the first single. It's a pile of crap. Maybe this revelation will drum up some sales for an album the band knows isn't that great. It's called Reveal, you know. Or maybe Stipe is being honest when he says he's tired of being pestered about his sexuality, so he decided to put the issue to rest. But do you or anyone you know lie awake at night wondering who or what Michael Stipe is sleeping with? Me neither.

While REM's most balding member was bearing the contents of his soul to Time, Belinda Carlisle was showing Playboy the contents of her shorts. She has posed for the thinking man's stroke mag and is going to be appearing soon at a newsstand near you. She says she's trying to prove that one doesn't have to be young and skinny to be... in Playboy, I guess. You just need to be famous have a good publicist.

Regardless, her decision to take off her clothes and be photographed has absolutely NOTHING to do with stirring interest in the Go-Go's first new album in 17 years. Supposedly the photos are an homage to the pinup girls of the 50's. I hear it was either that or an homage to the crack whores of the 90's. Either way, it's gonna be classy. It's an homage, after all, not just some singer showing her boobs for money.