Michael Jackson: 30^th Anniversary Celebration on CBS

by Will 'The Cranky Music Man' Golightly

9:05 p.m.—CBS. I think Whitney Houston opened the show, but I’m not sure. I was busy trying to figure out with my girlfriend why Fox’s "Undeclared" is so bad. It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these TV diary things. I like them, but then again I watch too much TV.

9:09—"Ben" by Billy Gilmore. Who the hell is this kid? He’s lucky if he’s twelve years old. Did anyone tell him this song is about a pet rat? This time would be better spent watching the Raptors-Kings halftime show on TBS with Kenny Smith. Who needs Charles Barkley when you have the Jet?

9:12—MTV. Uh-oh, Creed are in a pool with some skeezy girl. This looks like MTV’s "Making the Video." What would God think of this cavorting about?

9:13—CBS. Back to the Michael Jackson special. Shaggy is doing one of his own songs, that "It wasn’t me" one. How is this in honor of Michael? Wow, this song is filthy. Caught red-handed on the bathroom floor? The only times I’ve been found on the bathroom floor it wasn’t even REMOTELY sexual.

9:16—"Heal the World" done by Rah Digga, Monica, and some other people I don’t recognize. I wonder if Aaliyah would have been lumped in here or if she would’ve had her own segment in the tribute concert. We’ll never know…

9:16:30—ESPN. Hey, an ad for Lewis-Rahman II on ESPN! Lewis: "Nobody takes my crown." Well, that’s not really true, sir. I wish this fight were on HBO instead of pay-per-view. Greedy bastards.

9:17—TBS. Holy cow, the Raptors are getting waxed. Mike "The Other White Meat" Bibby is getting rave reviews. I wonder if Jason Williams is sick of Shane Battier’s choirboy routine yet.

9:27—CBS. Marc Antony sings some song I don’t know. My girlfriend wishes it were "Dirty Diana." She also thinks Marc Antony looks like an action figure. And damn if she isn’t right.

9:30—Destiny’s Child! They each are wearing one white glove. If there is one thing Michael Jackson is NOT, it’s Bootylicious. Oh they just showed Elizabeth Taylor sitting next to Jackson. I think they’ve been showing her all night, but I didn’t recognize her until now. That’s creepy.

9:35—Liza Minnelli, or perhaps Molly Shannon doing a cruel impersonation, is singing "You Are Not Alone." Am I the only one who didn’t know Liza was this messed up. I mean, I’ve heard stories, but I hadn’t seen it myself until now. Too bad. Cabaret is a great movie.

9:38—Liza gets a standing ovation. She is trashed, no doubt about it.

9:40—TBS. The Raptors are on a 14-1 run! My girlfriend is telling me how she read every Beverly Cleary book when she was a kid. I wish I’d read more when I was a kid. Danny Ainge is a pain in the ass.

9:43—CBS. Gloria Estefan and some dude sing what my girlfriend swears is the Free Willy song. I hate duets. Must they make eye contact the whole time? Wait, she’s telling me now this isn’t the Free Willy song. And yet she’s still singing along… She never fails to amaze me.

9:45—TBS. Vince Carter just did something amazing. This is not news.

9:47—CBS. I got distracted watching Vincent van Go do something amazing over and over again in slow motion. A bunch of white guys are singing now. "Man in the Mirror"? Yup, that’s it. Jackson is singing along as he sits in his seat in the audience. Hmm… O-Town? 98 Degrees? I don’t know. Hey, Usher just walked on stage wearing a Michael Jackson shirt. Oh, and there’s Luther Vandross wearing a tacky suit and a gigantic cross around his neck. People LOVE Luther. I can’t explain it.

9:56—Elizabeth Taylor is introducing Jackson. She’s a mess. Creepy.

9:57—It’s the Jackson 5. Pardon me, they’re called "The Jacksons" now.

9:58—I have no idea what song this is. The Jackson 5 performing at a Michael Jackson tribute is a bit like Wham playing at a George Michael tribute. A bad idea, in other words. Have the other Jacksons no pride?

10:00—Wait, it’s a medley! They just went into "ABC." Oh, but "The Real World" is on MTV. Time for a break from all this.

10:01—MTV. "The Real World" is so good. Even when the cast is boring it’s good. They’ve got lightening in a bottle, those cats at MTV.

10:06—CBS. First ad break during "The Real World." So I’m watching the big finish for The Jacksons. I have no idea what song this is, but Michael is wearing gold-plated catcher’s leg pads. Why haven’t I noticed that yet? Oh, it’s "I Want You Back." Nice, their best song. Wait a second, it only lasted 30 seconds. And it wasn’t even in the same key as the original. Lame.

10:08—MTV. Still ads.

10:09—VH1 is doing that stupid Madonna-Rupert Everett special. That’s one less channel to keep track of.

10:10—MTV. "The Real World" is back on!

10:17—MTV. It’s another ad break. Oh…my…God. That blond guy from "Road Rules" (Blaine? Blair?) is topless with a topless Jisela and they’re getting hot and heavy. OH…MY…GOD.

10:18—TBS. The Raptors are sunk.

10:20—CBS. Commercial for some ‘N Sync concert this Friday. I might have to watch that. Could be pretty funny.

10:21—MTV. "The Real World" is back! Jisela is crawling and slobbering all over everyone but Malik, the guy she hooked up with the other night. He really likes her. This is hard to watch.

10:25— Nicole really likes Bobby. This is gonna end in tears.

10:27—Malik is confronting Jisela about kissing everything that moves. Something tells me this isn’t going to work. The previews for the next episode give it away, even though0 it was obvious already.

10:29—CBS. Michael is performing solo now.

10:31—"Black and White" with Slash. I’m getting a little drunk at this point, and none of this makes sense to me. My girlfriend and I both suspect Jackson is lip-syncing.

10:33—"Beat It." He keeps covering his mouth while he sings. My girlfriend and I both notice it at the same time. He’s DEFINITELY lip-syncing. This is weird.

10:36—The dancers are reenacting the "Beat It" video’s rumble scene. Does anyone remember Weird Al’s "Eat It"? That was funny.

10:37—They keep showing goofy white people in the audience dancing poorly and singing along. They don’t know the words either.

10:38—Ad break. Thank God.

10:39—TBS. The post game show with Kenny Smith. The Knicks beat up the Blazers and the Cavs beat the T’Wolves. Wow. What’s up with the Nets? Jason Kidd may have already won the MVP award this season. Oh man, Rasheed got a B.S. tech for hanging on the rim. He is a marked man. Though perhaps he has earned that reputation.

10:43—CBS. Jackson has a glittery arm band. He thinks that’s a good idea? He just pulled out a single sparkly glove. The world says, "Hey, I remember that!"

10:44— "Billie Jean." Michael isn’t as crisp or fluid as he used to be. Hey, kind of like the other MJ! People think "Billie Jean" is his best song, but they’re wrong. It’s "Smooth Criminal."

10:46—He’s covering his mouth a lot now. You aren’t fooling anyone, sir. Did he forget all the words? My girlfriend suspects he can’t sing anymore because of one too many nose jobs. I can’t think of a reason to disagree.

10:48—Macauley Culkin has taken Jackson’s seat next to Elizabeth Taylor. Where was he before?

10:49—Jackson has decided to stop singing, but the song is still playing. I wonder if he even cares.

10:50—Instrumental dance break. It isn’t a disaster, but this isn’t your mother’s Michael Jackson. He’s beginning to show his age something fierce.

10:51—Ad break. Oh Jesus, it’s an ad for Sony with Coach K. Do you see the Dean hocking Panasonic? No.

10:54— Back from ads. It’s the new single, but I forget what it’s called. It isn’t good. And he’s covering his mouth while he "sings" for damn near the entire song. He must not know all the words yet.

10:57—It’s still going… He has a fake orchestra there. I wonder how you get a job pretending to play strings live. That sounds pretty cushy.

10:58—Usher is back. He’s the one famous person who admits to being a huge Michael Jackson fan. Thus his return.

10:59—Chris Tucker comes out for 15 seconds and then leaves again. What was that for?

11:00—The show is mercifully over. The new single, which we just heard "live," is being played over the credits.

11:01—Comedy Central. "The Daily Show" is on, so this is the end.