No One Said These People Were Normal

by Will 'The Cranky Music Man' Golightly

You don’t have to have seen the CBS miniseries to know that the Beach Boys are a mess. Kokomo, anybody? And even though the Wilson brothers have moved on – Brian to solo projects and the other two to the next world – there are some who cling to the past. These people are Al Jardine and Mike Love. Mike Love, the cousin of the Wilson brothers, is most famous for being the fuddy-duddy who buried Smile and the band’s more avant-garde forays by his "Who could want more than surfing, girls, and cars" motto.

Al Jardine, one of the few Beach Boys not directly related by blood to Brian Wilson, is suing the Beach Boys’ corporate entity for the use of the name "Beach Boys". His first mistake is thinking that by getting up on stage with a pile of session musicians (and none of the Beach Boys’ lead singers) he can pretend that he had any significant role in Pet Sounds, "Help Me Rhonda", "California Girls", or "Surf’s Up". His second mistake is thinking that anyone cares at all about his and his band’s tour of America’s state fairs and oldies-radio promotions. The fact that a serious amount of money could be handed over to someone over the right to use the name "Beach Boys" in order to play some crappy Holiday Inn makes my head hurt. At least Brian Wilson has enough pride to tour under his own name.

There is more trouble in paradise than just that, however. The wedding between TLC’s Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes and the NFL’s Andre Rison has been called off. If you’ve watched VH1 in the last twenty-four hours you’ve probably seen TLC’s Behind the Music, which revealed to the world how Lopes burned down their million-dollar home after a fight several years ago. Needless to say, no one is surprised that the tempestuous couple’s wedding has been postponed. Even Julia Roberts is wondering what these two are thinking.

There may be one person nuttier than all of these people combined: Sinead O’Connor. After tearing up a picture of the Pope on Saturday Night Live, she became a priest in a fruity Catholic sect. But that’s not the half of it. After making the announcement that she is a lesbian, she signed up for the Pet Shop Boys’ gay-friendly Watapalava tour, mentioned in this column previously. Apparently she has pulled out of the tour at the last second, causing the tour’s organizers to cancel, because she is getting married to a British man. Well of course!

Considering the late hour at which I am writing this, I don’t think I can take any more. I’m going to rest now, remembering a simpler time when pop stars would merely retire and spend the rest of their days fighting in court over unpaid royalties. Rather than making fools of themselves for all the world to see.