Worship THIS, Mofo!

By Robert Pagani

I'm mad.  I'm angry.  I'm pissed off.  And I'm not going to take it anymore.  This past September 11th, religious fanatics, acting on what they believed to be orders from God, attacked the United States.    That sucks royally.  What sucks every bit as much, though, is that home-grown, corn-fed fanatics have seized upon those attacks as an excuse to impose their own "God ordained" rules and regs on the citizenry.

While the public is understandably frightened about what might come next, the power-addled Pricks of the Potomac are working overtime to come up with ways to chisel away at our freedoms.  Under the guise of "security", the Feds keep sticking their noses further and further into things that, up 'til a few months ago, most people kept in the None Of Your Damn Business file.  The Big Irony of this all, of course, is that most of these "security" initiatives are coming from people who call themselves "conservatives", which should mean that they are advocates for small government which stays out of people's private lives.

I got to thinking about this.  I thought about "conservatives" and right-wing "Christians".  I thought about Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell blaming the attacks on feminists, homosexuals and the ACLU.  I thought about the repressive policies of an Attorney General who also happens to be a religious fanatic.  Then I thought about what I believed.

Despite 12 years of Catholic education, I have described myself as an agnostic most of my life.  I think the turning point was when I was kicked out of a confessional booth at age 11 by a priest who told me to "come back when you know what you're talking about".  I can take a hint; you don't have to hit me over the head with a pipe wrench.  I never went back.

So, as I've watched people who claim to worship Jesus attempt to shove their we-have-to-give-up-some-of-our-freedoms- in-order-to-protect-them "logic" down my throat, I realized that I do actually have a deep belief in something.  I also realized that two can play at this religion game.

I honestly, deeply, passionately believe in the U.S. Constitution.  I have said for many years now that it is the finest document ever produced by man.  Some people might choose to use the term "divinely inspired".  Suit yourself.  I have no problem with that.  It is my belief that the Founding Fathers would collectively projectile vomit if they could see what the current iteration of Federal government is attempting to do in the name of "security".  There is every indication that one of their primary intents in framing the Constitution was to protect the citizenry from abuses by the government.  On that, I stand foursquare with T.J., G.W. and the rest of the boys.  They understood that tyranny creeps in in increments while people are concerned with other things.  Remember that thing about eternal vigilance being the price of freedom?  Did you think that only referred to the military and threats from outside our borders?

I hereby announce the formation of the Church of the American Constitution.    Members of other churches are "conscientious objectors" when it comes to joining the military or getting blood transfusions.  The members of the C.A.C. are conscientious objectors when it comes to idiotic, intrusive nonsense like "facial recognition" and national ID cards.  Yeah, I know that George W. Bush has said that he's "against" the idea of a national ID card, but how long do you suspect that opposition will last next time some guy heeds a Bat-phone call from Allah telling him to fly a jumbo jet into something?

I'm not carrying any damn national ID card and I'm not going to any Super Bowls that require my photograph to be added into some Mystery Database.  Sorry, no can do, it's against my religion.  You can try to force me, I guess, but I'll have to file a discrimination suit against you.  Other  religions have the Ten Commandments.  Ours has the Ten Amendments.

What's required to become a member of the C.A.C. is a sincere belief in the American Constitution and an unwillingness to relinquish your rights as outlined in it.  Whether you believe in Jesus, Allah, Buddha or None Of The Above is your business.  If you choose to believe that the Constitution was divinely inspired, knock yourself out.  That's fine, just so you do believe passionately in it and refuse to give up your personal freedom to any entity, public or private.  No, it won't be a "sin" if you have to visit Ybor City, Florida (where they point cameras at everyone in an idiotically misguided attempt at "security"), but you get Heavenly Brownie Points if you tell them where they can put their cameras.  

Government in a democracy may be defined as "those who have temporary license to operate in the interest of the public".  Members of the C.A.C. refuse to acknowledge that we have given even temporary license to anyone to intrude into matters of a strictly personal nature, even in the name of "security".  To do so would violate our religious beliefs.

Media critic Mark Crispin Miller says, "Look, most people are terrified. In times of national trauma, people have a tendency to sink to their knees in reverence. They want a president to be their father."  Fear is an understandable emotion in the current environment, but with all due respect, Mr. President, I already HAD a Daddy.  Besides, if I am going to fall to my knees (not likely, but hypothetically), it would be to the Founding Fathers, not you.

Think I'm kidding about this church thing?  I'm not.  I'm dead serious.  It's time to say that this intrusive nonsense has to stop.  Since the Big Brothers in Washington don't seem to understand secular civil libertarian arguments, let's give them a religious one.  Fed up yet with the growing intrusion in your personal life?  Got the balls to join a kick-ass, take-no-prisoners church?  I'm working out the details.  Email me, we'll take it from there.