The Bad Boy Act Isn't Funny Anymore

by The Cranky Media Guy

Mike Tyson

Mike Tyson is a friggin' lunatic.  It's become painfully obvious that he needs to be banned from boxing.  The guy just ain't right in the attic; know what I mean, Vern?

Over the weekend, he knocked out some chooch named Lou Saverese in 38 seconds.  So?  Who let this jabroni in the ring with Tyson in the first place?   Beating Lou "Even I Don't Know Who I Am" Saverese and calling that a "victory" is about one step above bragging about beating Christopher Reeve in a footrace.  All this happened in Scotland, a country where they consider throwing a phone pole around a big-time sport.  Even in that starved-for-entertainment outpost, the promoter couldn't fill the house.  Obviously, Tyson's strategy of picking his opponents from bigsissy.com's  membership list isn't working anymore.

After the bell rang, Tyson, apparently aware that he hadn't exactly given the fans their money's worth, knocked referee John Coyle on his ass.  Ever the showman, Iron Mike then unloaded verbally on Lennox Lewis.

Addressing Lewis via the camera lens, Tyson said, "I want to eat your heart out.  I want to eat your children.  He is no match for me when I am right.  I want to rip his heart out and feed it to him."  Would you like some fava beans and a nice Chianti to go with that, Hannibal, I mean Mikey?

I'm sure someone will defend Tyson on the grounds that he's the best boxer in the business.  Uh, so what?  Yes, he's a good boxer, but does that mean that he can do anything he wants in the ring?  Why not just give him a fungo bat and let him try to knock his opponent's head over the fence?  Besides, this was Lou friggin' Saverese he was fighting, not someone even close to being in the same league as Tyson. 

Perhaps you'd care to argue that yes, Tyson is a thug, but he's good for the business of boxing.  Doesn't look like it.  The promoter first said that he had sold 40,000 tickets for the event, then later changed that to 18,000.  Reporters on the scene said it looked like less than that.  Beating the shit out of anorexics doesn't seem to be pulling in the fans anymore.  Who's Tyson's next opponent, Callista Flockheart?

It's time to state the obvious:  the guy is probably the best fighter of his generation, but he's out of control.  I honestly feel sorry for him; I think he's a man who has a lot of problems.  I'm sure Godzilla had a rough childhood on Monster Island, too, but that doesn't mean you just let him destroy Tokyo. 

Tyson has been diagnosed with Dysthemic Disorder (chronic depression).  That's a very difficult thing to have to live with, but it isn't an excuse to allow him to continue to hurt people and act in a completely unprofessional way that's a disgrace to what's supposed to be a sport.  (you can see the complete text of Tyson's psychiatric examination by doctors at Massachusetts General Hospital at thesmokinggun.com) . 

The guy's a convicted rapist; he chewed off a chunk of Evander Holyfield's ear and now he's threatened to feed another boxer his own heart. What do you have to do to get banned in boxing, run the Pope over with a monster truck?

It's hard to argue with:  Tyson has to go bye-bye.  And soon, before he hurts another skinny-ass "opponent".  In his psych report, the docs say that Mike has an "interest in social issues, especially the plight of the poor and victims of persecution".  Okay, let's take him out of the ring and let him start exercising that interest.  Until he shows that he can help another human rather than threatening to eat their children, Mike Tyson has a ringside seat in the Weasel of the Week Hall of Fame.