When All Else Fails, Try Charm

by The Cranky Media Guy

If cunning, deceit and treachery have failed, why not try charm? I mean, what the hell, right? Ordinarily, people might suspect your motives (especially if you're normally pretty un-charming), but it's the holidays so you're likely to be cut some slack. Ho ho ho and all that.

"But Cranky Media Guy," you ask, "doesn't charm require a certain level of sincerity?" I laugh at your naiveté (in a charming way, of course). Hell, no. If anything, sincerity will only get in the way of charm. I mean, take a look at Bill Clinton. Ever seen a more charming and less sincere human being (outside of a new car showroom, that is)?

Look where charm got that silly SOB. Knock 20% off his charm quotient and he'd be hustling cell phones at a kiosk in the Hot Springs Mall. Since he got hooked up to a charm IV (metaphorically speaking), he married a lesbian, became President of the United States, beat impeachment and got a Jewish girl to have sex with him without promising her a ring. Now that's charm.

Wanna know what lack of charm will get you? Take a look at Al Gore and George W. Bush. Not a charm molecule between 'em and see what's happened? They're locked in a mortal struggle to take Bubba's job away from him.

I'm sure some of you will argue with me about Bush's charm level. Sorry, but you're wrong. That ain't charm you're seeing, that's dimwittedness. You're not dazzled by the guy, you feel sorry for him. It's an easy mistake to make.

As for Gore, you know those robotic welding machines they use in car assembly plants? They're the only ones on the planet that think he's charming. To them, he's a freaking centerfold. To everyone else, though, he's the Tin Woodsman pre oil can. Now he's in a dead heat with a guy who gets half his phone calls returned because people think he's his dad. Put together, these two have less charm than the Islamic Jihad.

Bottom line--you can have all the skill and ability in the world, but without charm you'll be roadkill on Career Boulevard. You may think that's unfair, that it's against the rules; check the title page on that rule book, though. It was written by a guy who thinks that Al Gore is one damn charming mofo.

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