Where Do I Apply To Defect?

by The Cranky Media Guy

You know, it's too bad that you probably can't hear my radio show here in my newly-adopted state of Idaho. I think Wednesday's show will be a good one. I've been wrong about that kind of thing before, but I think this will be one for the time capsule.

As I'm typing this, the race between Al Gore and George W. Bush--the Stick versus the Dick as I called it this morning--is pretty much a dead heat. Nobody knows at the moment which one of these charisma-challenged assholes is going to be the next president.

We're screwed, people. Either we end up with a lying pothead or we get a brain dead DUI offender. In the words of Jed Clampett, whee doggies! Yeah, as a smart-ass rock 'n' roll deejay, I'll get to make fun of a friggin' idiot either way, but as a citizen, I'm kind of embarrassed.

I'm watching this slow-motion train wreck unfold on TV and I'm thinking "Jesus H. Christmas, what am I gonna say about this on the air tomorrow?" We're not exactly a current-events driven show, but we do talk about stuff like presidential elections.

OK, remember last week when I confessed that I'm not really an adult in any sense other than the fact that I was born a bunch of years ago? That truth was brought home to me again today. I've been living in a motel room at the radio station's expense for the past month. I was hoping that I could stretch out my stay for a few more weeks, but I found out today that the gravy train ends this Saturday. That meant that I had to jump on the horn and see if I could find an apartment to live in on short notice. If I wasn't such a doofus, I would have anticipated this possibility a week or more ago and had a place lined up. No, not me though. Not Mr. Wait Until The Last Minute. I'm going to have to spend the next few days scrambling around trying to get everything worked out. Either that or I have to live under a bridge, which seems less than appealing. This is too hard for me, Mommy! Help me, Mommy!

I'm not a fan of communism because I don't think it works, but it seems that under that dopey system you have a wee bit of a "safety net" if, like me, you're a goofball who can't run his own life. I put this idea in my mental blender along with my revulsion at the thought of either President Bush or President Gore and VOILA! I've got a great "bit" (as we semi-show biz types say) for Wednesday's show.

I'm going to defect. Yup, I'm going to see if I can find a nice socialist country that will take in a deadbeat like me. I don't know which one it will be yet. Maybe I'll try to get a few of them to bid against each other for my "services". Do commies even do that? Bid I mean. Beats me, but it should be fun finding out. Maybe I can be the new Elian Gonzalez. Hey, live and learn, right?

I don't think I really want to live in the former Soviet Union because it's pretty cold there and a lot of those little countries have hard-to-pronounce names. I think I'd stick out in China because I'm 6'2" and I don't have a Moe Howard haircut. Maybe I should shut up about this because I don't want these countries to know that I've already essentially ruled them out. Bad for bidding, you know? There's always that little island 90 miles from Miami. It's warm there, right?

True, it would probably suck to live in Cuba but as a propaganda tool, I would almost certainly get a nice apartment and a guaranteed income. Throw in a satellite dish and I'm yours, Fidel. Plus, so far as we know, Castro never drove drunk. I'm going to shut up now. I don't want Castro to know that he's in the lead, so to speak. I want to keep my options open. See, I'm thinking more like an adult already.

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