My Fantasy Is Cool. Yours Is Stupid.

by The Cranky Media Guy

I wouldn't say that there are a lot of absolute rules in life, but there's one at least: If you're not currently on the roster of a professional baseball team, you have no business wearing a complete uniform to a game. Especially if your waist size is higher than a batboy's uniform number. No matter how strongly you may fantasize about it, there is no chance that Joe Torre will suddenly realize that one of the Yankees is missing, come out of the dugout, point to you and say, "You. In. Now."

Hey, if life worked like that, I wouldn't be sitting in a motel room in Boise typing this right now. I'd be in Tangiers (or some other exotic-sounding town in a country I can't name off the top of my head). I'd be drinking a vodka martini, shaken not stirred, as I sat across from a beautiful woman named Lotta Vagina or something like that. I'd have a license to kill in my wallet and a Beretta in my holster. I'd be trying to foil the evil world-domination plans of a guy with a secret lab full of guys in identical jumpsuits hidden inside a mountain on an island in the South Pacific.

I'm not though, am I? I'm sitting in my underwear in Boise, Idaho, typing this on a creaky old Macintosh. I'm watching the World Series on the TV bolted to the desk next to me. That's as close as I'm going to get to play in the game. And the same goes for you, even if you have your cleats on.

I shouldn't have to say this, but the same goes for painting your face with your team's colors. It doesn't make you look like a "superfan", it makes you look like a dork. A big dork. It might be okay if you're eight years old, but even then only if you painted it yourself. If you're a parent and you've painted your kid's face with the intent of taking him out in public, you might want to check your state's child abuse statutes. There has to be some law against making your kid look like a colorized member of the Insane Clown Posse. Jim Lehrer should have asked Bush and Gore where they stood on this issue during the debates.

Let's review. If you wear a uniform to a game, you're a dork. If you paint your face, you're Super Dork. If you paint your kid's face, you're a menace to society and need to be stopped, now. Are we clear on this? I don't want to have to repeat it. I have to go now. The sun is setting here in Tangiers and I just realized I have to call the DMV. My license to kill is about to expire. Why are you looking at me like that?

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