Bad News in the New Year

by Will 'The Cranky Music Man' Golightly

I may not be famous or rich, but up to this point in my life I’ve had very little trouble staying on the correct side of the law. I’m beginning to realize not everyone is as lucky as I am, however. Take, for example, that fine young Backstreet Boy Nick Carter. He’s tall, wealthy, in a successful band, adored by millions, and as blond as the day is long. But none of that will keep the Man from crashing down on your ass if you cause trouble.

Recently he was arrested outside a Tampa, Florida, nightclub. Having been to Florida a few times, I can understand how one could go a little batty there. The difference is that I don’t have a horde of paparazzi watching my every move. Yet. Young Nick was charged with resisting an officer. The cops had been called to the club to break up a fight, and when they arrived they found the lad arguing with a lady, according to the arrest report.

The police asked him several times to leave the club, but when he wouldn’t comply they were forced to put him in handcuffs. The Smoking Gun, a website for all your celebrity police report needs, talked to the only witness listed in the case. She said the singer began bawling when cops ushered him into the back of their car. Even the police were laughing at him.

That’s pretty good stuff, but nothing to get the federal government involved in. Death Row Records know more about that sort of trouble. The feds found out they failed to file a tax return on over $800,000 of income in 1996. That kind of money can buy a whole lot of bouncing cars and plenty of that "chronic" stuff they’re always talking about. Miraculously, the tax charges were the only wrongdoings the feds discovered during their four-year probe. Clearly the government does not watch Behind the Music, which gleefully interviewed every former Death Row artist who had a story to tell about violence and gang-related activity. But you shouldn’t believe everything you hear on TV. You should believe everything you read on this website, however.

Finally, the Black Crowes have gone on hiatus. The singing Robinson brother is trying on a solo career to see how it fits. The guitar-playing Robinson has not announced any plans yet, but one must assume they involve guitar playing. Or perhaps he’ll pursue his humanitarian interests and fight to have hemp assume it’s rightful place as the basis of our entire society. Both Robinson brothers seem to feel very strongly about this miracle substance. I’ve been told that this hemp stuff was grown by Thomas Jefferson, is the material on which the Declaration of Independence was originally written, was the reason dinosaurs became extinct, and makes a really great shirt.

So keep an eye out for that, but don’t hold your breath until the next Black Crowes album. It will take them at least a few years to blow all the money they have now and be forced to reunite.