The Cranky Media Guy

Homeland Security Helmet | Invention Lab — Powered by RadioShack®

Yes, that’s me and I won! I am singlehandedly protecting America from the scourge of terrorism. Go ahead and cower in fear, I’ve got your back, Mr. and Mrs. USA.

Seriously, I got an email this evening from the company running the contest for Radio Shack, notifying me that I am one of the Grand Winners. My prize? A $250 gift certificate to Radio Shack. GPS, here I come!

Man offered $2.2m for his life in Australia

So, this guy in Perth, Australia is auctioning off his entire life. Wow, trading your life in, what a great idea. Gee, I wish I thought of that. Oh, yeah, I did. Twice, actually.

Back in the 1980’s, I got an article in the Express-Times newspaper (then known as the Express) in the Lehigh Valley (Allentown) area of Pennsylvania. I was looking for a celebrity, someone nationally or internationally known in show business, sports or politics to have their name legally changed to mine. If Johnny Carson were to do that, for example, from that point on, the show would be called the Tonight Show with Bob Pagani. That way I could be vicariously famous.

In the 1990’s, I was written about in the Washington Post for offering to trade lives with someone. So, like I said, basically I invented this whole “ditching your life” thing years ago.

My big mistake was coming up with this idea before the Internet really kicked in. This Aussie guy is benefiting from the existence of eBay. I didn’t have that luxury, unfortunately (although I did get some publicity for both of my efforts).

Hey, the breaks are the breaks. I’ve gotten a lot of ink for some of my crazy concepts over the years, so I’m not really complaining. Chances are, this is the one and only time this Perth guy will get this kind of attention. Me, on the other hand, I’ll keep turning up in the press like a bad penny, about once a year on average. A boy needs a hobby, right?

Tim Russert and the ultimate sacrifice

Where were you when you heard that Tim Russert died? That will be the defining question in years to come. Is there a man or woman alive in America today who doesn’t have the answer to that question indelibly burned into their brain?

I for one will never forget how the streets fell silent as news of the death of the host of the little-watched Sunday morning show Meet The Press reached the masses. Men spontaneously burst into flames as pregnant women went into labor from the shock of hearing that a millionaire public affairs program host passed away.

Russert gave so much in presiding over the show that Dick Cheney referred to as the best venue for Republicans to go on to promote their agenda, receiving only a paltry several million dollars a year in compensation. He was reluctant to talk about it, but his touch could cure leprosy. He regularly ordered his driver to take his limo through ghetto streets so he could throw hundred-dollar bills out the window to the less fortunate. During commercial breaks on Meet The Press, he suckled orphans with his ample man-breasts. Tim Russert was, in short, the finest human being who ever lived.

By presidential decree, starting in 2009, all work will cease at the exact minute when he died for one hour. Television stations will go dark and no commercial flights will be allowed over America’s skies on the anniversary of his death. In his honor, the month of June will be renamed Russert. Parents who name their children, male or female, “Tim” will receive a tax-free gift of five thousand dollars and government jobs from which they cannot be fired.

I’ve just figured something out. At the risk of seeming immodest, I’m WAY more creative than the people who run the “guerrilla marketing” companies whose websites I’ve seen on the Internet.

Sorry, geniuses, but hiring “street teams” via Craigslist is NOT cutting-edge. (For the uninitiated, “street teams” are attractive young people who walk around high-traffic areas and hand out fliers about their employer’s client. Yup, that’s it.) Illegally slapping up posters that look like street graffiti might have been a cool idea about ten years ago, but that ship’s sailed.

There are probably a million things I suck at, including intermediate algebra, but coming up with original creative ideas which can promote products and people’s careers isn’t one of them. About three weeks ago, I came up with an idea which is apparently going to be used by a young artist to promote his career. I can’t talk about it yet, but I’ll let you know if and when he actually does it and makes the news. Just yesterday, a friend asked me if I had an idea that could help a friend of his promote her diet book. Yes, I did have one as a matter of fact, a damn good one. If the author doesn’t go for it, she’s out of her friggin’ mind, it’s that good.

After looking at what passes for “guerrilla marketing” in America today, I decided on a new goal for my life. I want to become the King of Publicity Stunts. I don’t even want to call what I do “guerrilla marketing”; that’s a pretentious euphemism for good old fashioned publicity stunts. Let’s just call things what they are without the Web 2.0 nonsense, shall we?

So, who needs a good publicity stunt in their life? Any radio DJ’s out there who are getting overlooked by their corporate management? I feel your pain, I’ve been there. Any small retailers who need to get some press? Who are you, where are you? Holla at your boy (don’t you hate it when white guys try to be cool?)

This is further proof that a lot of “experts” don’t have Clue One. This guy was a Big Time executive at HBO and he’s putting money into this basketball/trampoline hybrid, which has already failed once. Here’s my newest Rule of Business: if it couldn’t increase the audience on Spike Friggin’ TV last time it was tried, it’s a bad idea.

Hey, Mr. Albrecht, where did you get the idea that people are tired of the already existing sports? Personally, I’m not hearing guys saying that they’re bored with football, baseball, basketball (the normal kind that doesn’t involve trampolines, that is), hockey, lacrosse and foosball. Even if there is some disaffected audience jonesing for a new sport, what makes you think what they want is B-ball players not good enough for the NBA bouncing on trampolines and crashing into each other?

But maybe I’m wrong and this “SlamBall” will become a huge hit. And maybe monkeys will fly out of my ass. I hope you got a solid gold parachute from HBO when they canned you after you beat your girlfriend in that Vegas parking lot while you were on a bender, Mr. Albrecht. You’re gonna need it.

Ex-HBO Executive Stakes His Comeback on SlamBall